Divorce can be emotionally challenging, especially when your former partner displays narcissistic traits. However, it’s crucial to approach these situations carefully in legal proceedings. Labeling your ex as a narcissist may do more harm than good.
Before diving into why labeling can be problematic, let’s define what narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) actually are.
What is a Narcissist?
A narcissist is someone who is grandiose, lacks empathy, is entitled, and demands attention and special treatment
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is only diagnosable by a mental health professional. An individual with NPD will have at least five of the nine criteria listed on the American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-5, the Diagnostic and Statistical manual of Mental Disorders (APA 2013;pages 669–672). These criteria include grandiosity, a feeling of specialness, demanding admiration, entitlement, exploitative behavior, lack of empathy, arrogance and envying others or believing others envy them. The Mayo Clinic describes narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance…”
Why Avoid Calling Someone a Narcissist in the Divorce Process?
Calling someone out as a narcissist to the custody evaluator, reunification therapist, Guardian ad Litem (GAL), judge or other divorce related expert can really backfire. This is a risky move as these professionals may view you as a troublemaker and the one causing problems. There is a better way to handle this: stay away from the label and show the problematic patterns of behavior instead.
How Can I Do This?
Document, don’t label. Have supporting materials on hand that tell a coherent story and are easy to share with your legal representative. Here are some examples below.
- Relevant materials: Voicemails, text messages, emails and social media posts.
- Legal Documents: Copies of police reports, protection or restraining Orders, CPS visits, proof of violation of existing orders or other laws, etc.
- Financial and Custody Records: bank accounts, omissions, proof of hiding community assets, any proof of financial abuse, custody not exercised.
- Third party records: Therapist notes, list of persons who witnessed behaviors, and those willing to provide a character reference.
Depending on where you live in the U.S., and whether your state allows one-party or two-party consent, recordings may also be admissible. Check your state laws and consult with legal representation to ensure compliance.
By focusing on a “document, don’t label” strategy, you show a clear pattern of behavior, establishing credibility. This approach helps you avoid the ineffective “he said, she said” dynamic that often arises from labeling someone a narcissist.
Disclaimer: This content is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Please consult with a legal professional for advice specific to your situation.
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